Talking To Teens – This Will Change the Way You See Parenting

Talking to teens can be hard. This post was inspired by the brilliant Netflix series Adolescence as I think it it can help parents navigate through the teen years. There are plenty of articles analysing the series from a psychological standpoint, but I want to take this in a different direction. How parents can use it as a tool to open up difficult conversations with their teens and, more importantly, how to make changes before it’s too late.

I studied Electronic Imaging and Media Communications, with my thesis focused on media and education. So, watching this series had me excited on so many levels, from the brilliant cinematography to the complex, layered topics it covers, both subtly and not so subtly. If I had been in university when this came out, I’d be writing papers on it.

What is Adolescence about?

It’s a four-part Netflix miniseries about a 13-year-old schoolboy, Jamie Miller, who is arrested for the murder of a female classmate, Katie. Each episode is filmed in one continuous shot, following the characters through the day, with each episode highlighting a different part of the 13-month process. Because of this, you’re up close and personal, it’s deeply intense. This isn’t the usual fast-paced, scene-switching style we’re used to.

But don’t let that put you off, the acting is outstanding.

This isn’t a whodunnit. It’s a whydunnit.

Stephen Graham conceived the show in response to the rise in knife crime in the UK. He has said in interviews that he wanted to open up conversations because the issue is caused by a combination of factors. He wanted to give family members a way to have honest conversations and take meaningful action around the topics bought up in the series.

Jamie isn’t from a broken home. His dad doesn’t abuse him, his mom isn’t a drunk. He doesn’t run with gangs. He isn’t a jock or the school bully. He’s just an average teenage boy trying to make sense of the world.

He could be any kid, from any home.

And that’s what makes it so powerful.

Heads Up

If you haven’t watched the show yet, just know the dialects, specifically the Scouse (Liverpool) accent, are very strong. If you’re not used to it, you might want to turn on subtitles so you don’t miss any important details.

Talking to Teens About Adolescence as a Family

If you have teenagers, I highly recommend watching it together. If your kids are younger, watch it on your own first, so you know what you’re up against. Then, you can plan how to handle these conversations moving forward. They always say the toddler years are hard but the teenage years are harder.

If the dad or father figure is in the picture, watch it together. It’s heartbreaking as a mom, but dads need to be part of the conversation. The father in the show thought he was a good dad. He thought he was getting it right. His wife thought he was a good dad. Where did it go wrong.

Although the show focuses primarily on Jamie, the victim Katie doesn’t get much airtime. She is present throughout the show and the actress sings the outro music, but it is very much about Jamie and the ripple effect his actions have.

This is something both boys and girls should watch, they’re both affected by what’s happening.

Talking to Teens About Adolescence – Learn the Lingo

Before watching Adolescence, talk to your kids about it. You can mention that you’ve seen a lot of discussion about it online and that you’re curious to learn from it too, which you will. Let them know anything that comes up in the show is an open book, and you’d love to hear their thoughts.

Some of the topics might not even be on their radar yet. For example, coded emojis might mean something different in their circles. After all, kids constantly reinvent language. If this all new to you and you think 🍆 is just an eggplant, you are in for quite the ride. Don’t let this put you off, take a deep breath, we’ve got this!

Let’s start with a break down of language used. From reading online comments, I know many people missed references or terms in the show. I was shocked at how many don’t know who Andrew Tate is.

A Quick Cheat Sheet

Incel – Short for “involuntary celibate,” referring to an online subculture of men who struggle with dating and often express resentment toward women.

Andrew Tate – A social media influencer and former kickboxer facing charges of human trafficking, rape, and sexual assault. Known for promoting misogynistic views and selling courses on male dominance and wealth. If you don’t know who this guy is, wait until you see is picture, he is far from what I’d consider a real man! (As you can gather, I’m not a fan!)

Toxic Masculinity – Cultural beliefs that equate masculinity with dominance, aggression, and emotional suppression, harming both men and society.

Nonce (Nonse) – British slang for a pedophile or someone accused of sexual offences against children. The misspelling in the show may indicate it was written by kids.

Manosphere – A collection of online communities focused on men’s issues, often promoting misogynistic beliefs, anti-feminism, and “alpha male” ideologies.

💯 (100 Symbol) – In manosphere circles, refers to the “80/20 rule,” claiming 80% of women are attracted to 20% of men. Suggests men must be in the top 20% by becoming “alpha” and manipulating women.

💊 Red Pill – A term from The Matrix, now used online to mean “waking up” to supposed truths about gender dynamics, often tied to misogynistic, anti-feminist beliefs.

🧨💊 Exploding Red Pill – Describes an intense “realisation” of manosphere ideology, often leading to more extreme misogynistic views.

❤️💜💛🩷🧡 Heart Emojis – Red = love, Purple = horny, Yellow = “I’m interested, are you?”, Pink = “Interested but not in sex”, Orange = “You’ll be fine”.

🫘 Kidney Bean / Coffee Bean – Sometimes used as coded language for racially charged discussions, particularly about women of different ethnic backgrounds. Context matters.

There are numerous other emoji not mentioned in the show, that have hidden means such as 🐴 – ketamine, ❄️ – cocaine, 🍓- cannabis, as examples when it comes to drugs.

How to Talk to Teens About the Topics in Adolescence

There’s a lot to unpack, and the way you start these conversations depends on your relationship. For the love of all things holy, don’t sit your kid down and say, “Right, son, we need to have a chat.” That’s the fastest way to get shut down. Your goal at the end of the day is for you to be the kids safe place. And to create a close, healthy relationship and open lines of communication so that if your child can use you as a sounding board when they are feeling anxious about any of these situations.

Ways to Tackle This:

Talk When They’re Distracted – In the car is a great place, over family dinners, while doing something together. Awkward conversations feel easier when there’s another focus.
Ask Specific Questions – Instead of “What did you think?”, try “Why do you think they tagged the word ‘nonse’?” Let the ideas flow, don’t argue the toss.
Ask questions that can open the conversation on how to handle the situation. “Do you know people that use misogynic words? What do you do when you hear it?”
Admit You’re Learning Too – “I had no idea heart emojis had different meanings! Did you?”
Connect the Show to Real Life – Ep4 Mom and dad and the daughter in the van. The parents talking about a school incident from when they were teens, where the dad made a dick of himself. They both have different memories of how it happened but it was before video phones so no-one recorded the embarrassing incident. It was embarrassing for dad but he tried to laugh it off, mom thought it was funny. If that had been taken online, how would the dad have felt as a teenage boy? Would his humiliation lead him to do something stupid? If something in the show stirs up memories, connect that personal experience, talk about it and how things are different now because everything ends up online.
One of the best ways is to be good at active listening, once they start talking, really listen.

There is so much in the show, each episode is packed with great discussion points. Take an educated guess on the topics you think your kids will open up to first and then take their lead. Don’t blow up if they mention alcohol, drugs, sex or anything else teens get up to that they are not supposed to, your aim is to be their safe space. They are not going to talk to you if they thing they are going to land in hot water.

Talking to Teen in Unchartered Territory

It’s good to remember that we are the first generation of parents having to deal with the internet, social media and smart phones and its effect on our kids.

Our kids are the first generation to navigate their way through it.

As adults, we can only imagine what it is like, we really don’t know because teens brains are still developing and they don’t have the knowledge and ability to make decisions in the same way adults do. We might think we know how we would react but the reality is, we don’t.

Their thoughts, feelings and evaluations might be different to your own but they are just as valid. There are no real right and wrong answers, dig into it, don’t tell them that they are wrong if their perception is different. Instead expand on it, see what comes up. Go into this with an experimental mindset and you’ll find meaningful conversations will come out of it.

Everyone who watches the show will be seeing it through their own lens, depending on their own personal experiences. A dad who was bullied at school, and hated sport is going to feel differently than a woman who has been sexually assaulted.

Scenes to draw from

There are probably stand out scenes for you that you immediately want to talk about, I suggest you go with those first. Here is a list of helpful suggestions to draw from. This is not a checklist, and I have probably missed some.

Whose fault is it that Jamie killed Katie? (Failure by his parents, failure of the school, social media, peer pressure from classmates, hormone changes because of his age…)
Was Katie totally innocent? (She was cyber bullying Jamie, humiliated him, pushed him over when they were talking before he snapped).
Why did the psychologist bring Jamie a hot chocolate with marshmallows (his favourite) and half a sandwich with cheese and pickle (chutney not pickles) which she knew he didn’t like? (Trying to gain confidence and push his buttons, did the sandwich hold more meaning, why did he take a bite knowing he didn’t like it? Why did she push it away at the end?)
Why was the van tagged with nonse? Why was nonse spelt incorrectly? (Is the dad innocent? Had he abused Jamie and that is why he killed Katie? Was it just kids being mean?)
When the psychologist leaves Jamie to watch the video of his reactions, why is she so uncomfortable? (Not only what she is seeing Jamie do but the security guy standing too close and mansplaining her job)
Why, at the very end when the dad breaks down, does he apologise to Jamie/the teddy? (Does he feel like he failed as a father? Did he raise his son wrong? Is it because he can no longer protect him now Jamie is pleading guilty?)
The episodes were shot using one take, why do you think they decided to do that? (How does it feel to the viewer? Would it being filmed the traditional way been more effective or not?)
How did they do it? (Physically with the camera, what about script writing? How did the cast remember everything as it is all one take?)
At what point of the series do you believe he has actually killed Katie? (Did you expect a plot twist at the end?)
Jamie’s friend Ryan gave him the knife. He was then beaten up by Jade in the schoolyard, do you think Ryan will go on to commit a violent crime? (The circumstances are similar to Jamie, low self esteem, humiliated by a girl in front of the school and now his best friend is locked up, so feeling alone)
The dad says he was beaten by his father as a kid and didn’t want that for his kids. He believes he did the best he could, took Jamie to football, did the things good dads do. How did he fail Jamie? (Pushing Jamie to play football, not spending much time with him – working long hours)
Why did Jamie feel like such a failure? (Pushed to play football even though he knew he was rubbish at it, not encouraged to do art even though he was good at it, getting knocked by Katie when he offered to take her to the fair, being told he was an incel and will always be one)
Why was Jamie so devastated when Katie not only said no when he offered to take her to the fair but belittled him? (Through the manosphere, men are taught to take advantage of girls/women when they are vulnerable)
Racism – not an obvious topic, but what if Jamie had been a POC? Would he have been treated the same way when he was arrested? (The police seem kind to him, explain everything that is going on, give him advice off the record, bring him food)
Knife crime – on the rise in the UK but what if the story had taken place in the United States, what would the crime have looked like? (Would it end in a stabbing or a school shooting?, in Japan would it end in teen suicide?)
Why did Jamie ask for his dad to be the responsible adult after the arrest and not his mom? (Would dad be able to protect him better?)
Where is the knife? (They never established where the knife is, why did they do that?)
What did you think about the emoji scene, did you know those emoji have alternative meanings? (The detective’s son, despite being called names by classmates, tries to explain to his dad the meanings behind the emoji which puts Katie in a new light. Obviously still the victim of an horrific crime but turns out she wasn’t completely innocent)
Katie sent nude photos of herself to a boy she liked called Fidget, he then shared them online so everyone saw them. Why is this an important part of the story? (Did she feel embarrassed and ashamed? All the kids knew about this yet none of the adults did. You can offshoot into taking and sharing nude photos and why it is always a bad idea!)
Why does Jade (Katie’s best friend) attack Ryan (Jamie’s friend) in the school yard?
Is your school like the one Jamie went to? (Draw comparisons from wearing uniforms to the way the kids talk to the teachers etc.)
Do you think kids having smartphones is an issue? Should phones be allowed in school? What do you think about the new Australian laws making it illegal for kids under 16 to be on social media? (Do the advantages of having a phone out-weigh the disadvantages? Does social media cause addiction and anxiety? How about the affect on emotional health? In an ideal world what would phone usage look like for young people?)
Do you know who Andrew Tate is? (Open up the conversation about misogyny, how Tate uses men’s insecurities to make money, be honest here, Tate is not trying to help anyone but his own bank account). I’m not sure watching his videos together is a great way to take this, it depends on the child. You may have a kid that can hold meaningful discussion about it and share each others point of view. I would watch the videos first before you share them with your kids.
Not much attention is given to Katie or her family in the series, why do you think that is? (Often the media focuses on the perpetrator not the victim, the perpetrators become the ‘stars’ and it is their names we tend to remember).
When he is talking with the psychologist, Jamie flips from small and scared to angry and violent. Why? (How is he feeling? How does his developmental stage have an effect?)
The stabbing happened late evening, do you think 13 year olds should be out at that time? (What time is reasonable for a curfew for a 13 year old? Is this different for girls and boys? Is it different depending where you live? Why?)
The mom thought Jamie was safe in his bedroom, why was she wrong? (Is the internet a safe place? How do influencers force their own identities and ideas onto teens?)
What did you think of the verbal abuse from the teens both kids in school at the teachers and Jamie with the psychologist? (Does that happen at your school? At home? How does a negative attitude, swearing and verbal abuse feel when you are on the receiving end?)

talking to teens about social media and the manosphere

How do we fix this mess?

I don’t have all the answers, but I do know that talking to your kids and more importantly, listening to them is important.

Knowing what they are up to online. They might not be watching Tate videos but the manosphere ideas filter down into the gaming world and other online places, help them to recognise what is toxic and give them the tools to navigate it.

Banning them from using the internet or being on social media when their friends are is a pointless battle, kids will just sneak behind your back. Teaching teens to learn how to handle the bad things in an effective way and build on having a close relationship is so much better than them doing something behind your back and then being too afraid to come to you when they need help.

Spend more time together as a family, doing things together so that family connections are strong. No, this doesn’t always mean doing sport! Yes, sports are great but if you have a kid like Jamie, they don’t want to do sports but are maybe saying yes because they want dad to be proud. Instead follow the child. What do they love or excel at? Do more of that, maybe if Jamie’s dad signed him up to art classes and took him to galleries, built up a relationship that way, the situation would have panned out differently.

Make sure they are getting enough sleep and have a no phones in the bedroom rule.

Be a good example, if you hear bullying or using racist/sexist/toxic language, shut it down.

Wrap Up – talking to teens

This shouldn’t be a one and done conversation. Adolescence can be used as a stepping stone to make these types of conversation an every day thing. Yes, often they are uncomfortable, just like talking about sex. But the more you talk about it, the easier it gets and the stronger the bond you create with your kids.

This raising kids thing, it’s just one big experiment really. None of us really know how it’s going to turn out. We can only do our best. This is a new era for all of us, we are all just figuring it out as we go along. Let your kids know that you love them.

Most importantly, not only do kids need to know they are loved, but also that you’ll stand by them, no matter what. That they can come to you, whenever they need help, that you are their safe place.

If this was useful and would like other ways to work with me, check out this page.

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