Japanese funerals etiquette – what you need to know

Japanese funerals etiquette, a full breakdown of what happens and what to expect if you have to attend one. 

Despite being in Japan for over 25 years, I’ve been fortunate not to have had to attend any funerals. A friend passed a couple of years ago, and we attended the memorial service but not the whole shebang. 

Sadly, due to the death of a family member it meant that the time had come. As I’ve only attended two Christian funerals back home, I really didn’t know what to expect, and I only had a basic idea of what the Japanese funeral traditions entailed. When I googled to try and find out more, I just found descriptions of parts of the ceremony, mainly about the memorial services but not what happens over the entire duration.

I’m writing this so that if you happen to be in the same situation, you’ll have a rough idea of what to expect. Attending a funeral is hard enough without the extra stress and worry or screwing things up or having a major faux pa. And it is really hard to ask questions without being dis-respectful. The Buddhist ceremony is quite different to typical western traditions, having a rough idea of what is happening make it all a bit easier.

Heads up, this is a personal account; I’m by no means a Japanese funeral expert. I imagine that funerals, much like weddings, vary greatly depending on location, cost, and religious setting. From my understanding different areas of the country have different traditions too, so there may be variations. On the upside almost all funerals in Japan are Buddhist ceremonies so although there maybe differences, it shouldn’t vary too much.

I also think that the mourners vary. For our family, the two of the grandchildren were present who are 17 and 23. The next youngest attendees were in their 50s, and the majority were 70 plus, with the oldest an amazing 97. No one lives in the city where the funeral was held, so there was no drunken wake or the such like. 

I have kept the family details vague in respect of the family.

In this Japanese funerals etiquette post I’ll cover:

My personal account of what happened over the two days of the funeral service. I don’t know all the ins and out of the rituals, I’ll add notes in the parts where I do. At the end I’ll included info on what to wear, condolence money and things to be aware of.

​What Happened First

The family member passed later Sunday evening. The close family members went to the funeral home that night, well early morning to set everything in motion. I believe that everything has been pre-arranged so there was no-one having to make difficult decisions and the type of coffin etc. Monday was a day of preparation, I’m not sure exactly how that all unfolds as I travelled down on the Tuesday, the day of the wake.

The body of the deceased is washed and prepared, dressed in a white kimono or for men sometimes a suit. Then laid in a coffin over dry ice. In our case the coffin was white and the lid had a window that was opened and closed at various times over the course of the two days. It is open casket, so be prepared for that.

The family of the deceased also prepare 33 pieces of folded white paper and write a prayer on them.

The Funeral Home

From what I could glean, the funeral home had 5 floors and each funeral party has their own floor. There was the ceremony room, set out with flowers at the front and Buddhist altars. The dining room for the mourners to eat lunch. Toilets and changing rooms, I expect for anyone who has had to rush to get there and needs to change. 

And then the family area, this is where the body and the immediate family members will stay. It had a kitchenette, dining table, sofas and TV. The area where the coffin was set up and Buddhist altar in front of it. To the side was a tatami room and then a bedroom with beds, a large bathroom, toilet and cloakroom. The family area was like a traditional family home, so you need to remove your shoes and change into slippers as you move into this area. The other areas, outdoor shoes are worn.

The staff were very respectful, bowing to the deceased every time they entered and left.

Japanese Funerals Etiquette – Mourners arriving

The coffin was set up with an altar in the family room. Before the mourners arrived, the 33 folded prayer papers were placed on top of the body. Only family members were to attend, I think if it is just the memorial ceremony you are attending, you won’t go to the family room, just the ceremonial hall.

As family arrived, they first shared their condolences with the family and took it in turns went to the altar in front of the coffin. They lit an incense stick and prayed. Most people had a few words with the deceased too. 

Funeral ceremony –  Japanese wake

Once everyone arrived, the coffin was wheeled into the ceremony room and placed in front of the wall of flowers. The Buddhist priest had prepared a piece of wood with the deceased’s new Buddhist name on it. His new name as he enters heaven. This is places above the coffin along with a photo of the deceased.

In front of the coffin was the Buddhist priests table with incense bowls, a gong, a music bowl, a drum, and a wide chair, facing towards the coffin. behind the priests table was another table with incense bowls. On the right was a smaller bowl with incense, and on the left, a larger bowl with a heated block to burn the incense. – Remember about these, they are important.

Once everyone was seated, the funeral director gave an announcement, and then the priest arrived. Everyone bowed. You will be doing a lot of bowing, if you are not sure when, follow what everyone else is doing.

The windows on the coffin were closed.

The priest sat down, removed his mask, took out a small folded book and started his chanting. Five minutes into the chant, the eldest son was instructed to do the incense ritual:

• Go to the incense table, turn and face the mourners, and bow.
• Turn toward the coffin and bow.
• With your righthand thumb and first two fingers, take a pinch of incense powder (right hand bowl), bring it towards your forehead, then drop it on the hot stone in the second bowl (lefthand side).
• Repeat this action two more times (this rule varies from sect to sect). Some mourners did it once, some twice, but most did it three times.
• When you have done the incense, pray and bow to the coffin.
• Turn and bow to the family and mourners, then return to your seat.

Once everyone had finished, the monk was still chanting. 

Every so often, the monk would start chanting Namu Amida Butsu (Hail Amitabha Buddha, a prayer for rebirth in Sukhavati, the Pure Land of Amitabha), put your hands together and pray. I had no idea at this stage what I was doing, so kept one eye half open so I could follow what everyone else was doing!

After 30 minutes, the monk wrapped up and left. We all bowed as he went. The staff opened the windows on the coffin again.

A staff member brought around a hot towel to wipe our hands and then returned to collect them.

There was a lot of more bowing, and then the mourners left, taking with them a fancy bento-style meal, all beautifully wrapped up. Because the average age of the mourners was probably 75, they all wanted to get home and didn’t stay for the meal.

The close family moved to the dining hall for dinner. I think this is often when lots of sake is consumed and a time to share stories of the deceased, but no one in our group really drinks much, and some had to drive. So it was just dinner and chatting.

Whilst we were eating, the coffin was wheeled back to the family room, and more incense was lit. Traditionally, the close relatives stays with the deceased all night on the final night to make sure the incense burns throughout. This is to make sure that the soul of the deceased is able to reach heaven. But these days there is a special incense that can remain lit all night so the family can get some sleep.

The eldest brothers family stayed in the family room, the rest of us went back to the family home.

Japanese funerals etiquette – the memorial ceremony 

The next morning we returned to the funeral home, said good morning to the deceased, and lit more incense sticks. 

As the rest of the family arrived, the coffin was wheeled to the ceremony hall, which was set up the same as the day before.

The ceremony was similar, but this time, the priest turned up in much fancier clothes and a rather stunning gold hat. My Japanese isn’t good enough to follow what the priest was chanting but it was different, I think, from the previous day. 

We repeated the incense ritual while he chanted.

Once the priest had finished and left, the staff moved the tables and pushed coffin forward and then opened up the lid. They then took down almost all the fresh flowers and gathered them into posies, placing them on the table. The family took it in turns to place them inside the coffin, all over the body, leaving the face clear. It was beautiful and smelt lovely. He looked very peaceful. This was the most emotional part of the day, the rest was a very solemn affair.

The lid was placed back onto the coffin.

Two bouquets of flowers were left, one was placed on top of the coffin, and the we took back to the family home at the end of the day.

Again, we were given hot towels to wipe our hands and then ushered downstairs.

Buddhist traditions – The Cremation

The cremation process was more intense than I expected. I was assigned to go in the car following the hearse. I had to carry the heavenly name sign, the grandson carried the photograph, and Baa-chan was in the car too. The rest of the family followed in a bus.

Before we got into the cars, we waited for the coffin to be bought downstairs. We lined up, bowed, and then eight of the male mourners carried the coffin to the hearse. Thankfully, it was only a few metres because, apart from the grandson, everyone else was 50+.

Once the coffin was in the hearse, we made our way to the crematorium which was about a 15 minute drive away. I don’t have much experience with this, having only attended one other cremation and that was in the UK.

At the crematorium, we lined up in three rows at the back of the hearse. The coffin was placed onto what I can only describe as a coffin forklift. 

We followed it down a corridor with high, lit arches. To the right were large bays, one of which was occupied with another funeral party. —it felt like something from The Hunger Games. We walked past a couple of bays and pulled into the fourth one. The coffin was placed in the middle. Next to it was a small table with the incense.

In our rows of three, we did the incense ritual again as the final farewell ceremony. Then everyone except the close family was taken to the viewing room, which had large glass windows overlooking the incinerator doors. 

I found this part quite impersonal. Imagine a bank of six lift (elevator) doors, spaced out with a small table between each. The coffin was wheeled in front of a door. There was some final bowing and praying, the doors opened just like a lift, and the coffin was wheeled inside. 

The doors closed, and the table was moved in front of them. The photograph and heavenly name of the deceased plaque were placed on the table. Everyone was then ushered back to the car/bus and taken back to the funeral home.

We all moved to the dining room for lunch. The closest family members (six of us) had to eat quickly so we could return to the crematorium.

This next part was the bit I had been dreading, and it wasn’t at all how I expected it to be.

Japanese funeral rituals – cremation ceremony

We drove back to the crematorium and had to wait in the cafe (yeah, I can’t get my head around that bit). 

After a short time, we collected, some paperwork was checked and then we taken back to the incinerator. 

We stood in a row on the left of the door, the cremator stood on the right.

The doors opened, and the “bed” was wheeled out with mostly ash and some remaining bones still in place. Collecting the bone pieces are important in a traditional Buddhist funeral, the incinerator isn’t heated as high as it is in the west.

The cremator picked up the various bones using special chopsticks, starting with the nodobotoke, or “throat Buddha”. The nodobotoke is the second cervical vertebra, located in the neck. It looks like a Buddha (apparently) and is the most important bone to be collected. He then picked up other bones, naming them and placing them in a metal tray in order from feet to head. He had to break some of the bones as they were too big.

We then moved to a small room, the tray was placed on a table in the middle, he photo and heavenly name plaque, on a shelf at the side.

The cremator then bought over two urns, a small one about the size of a mug and a larger one. He placed the nodobotoke and a few smaller bones in the first urn. Then we were all handed a pair of large chopsticks. It turn, moving anticlockwise, we picked up bones, starting from the feet and working our way up to the skull,  so the bones would be “standing” in the urn.

Finally, the the dust from the tray was poured into the urn, and the urns were boxed up.

We were given the urns, photo and heavenly name plaque and returned to the funeral home.

Side note here, my husband has attended this part of the ceremony before and said that last time it was more like yaki-niku, where everyone just picks up the bits they like the look of! 

I was expecting to have to pass the bones from person to person because in Japanese culture it is extremely rude at the dining table to pass food using chopsticks from one person to another and that is linked to this ceremony. I can only put this down to one of those Japanese customs that has changed over the years or is maybe different due to the religious sect.

Final Ceremony of the day

I though we were done at this stage, but I was wrong. Once back at the funeral home, the urns, photo, and heavenly name were placed on an altar in the dining room. 

The mourners had finished eating and all the lunch things had been cleared away. Tea and snacks were available while we waited for the priest.

After a final 30 minute chanting and incense session, the priest finished up the funeral rites.

The eldest son gave a quick thank you speech and then everyone said their goodbyes and were given their ‘thank you’ gift, which I think was a towel.

The urns were taken to the family’s home and placed on a temporary altar. It will stay there for 49 days, after which it would be buried at the Buddhist temple at the family grave, and a new altar set up in the home.

Remembrance ceremonies

Traditionally, another ceremony is held on the 7th day, the 49th day 100th day. The 49th day being considered the most important for the mourning period. In recent years it is often difficult for Japanese families to gather again after 7 days, so the 7 day ceremony is sometimes combined with the main ceremony. 

Japanese funerals etiquette – what to wear?

The dress code for funeral ceremonies is quite strict. Whatever you do, keep away from bright colors! 

The basic rule of thumb is go for formal black clothing. I used to teach the wife of a Buddhist monk and she told me that black is not just black. Matt black is what to wear for a funeral, avoid any shiny black items. I think the best thing to do if you are unsure is ask a family member of the funeral you are attending about how strict or formal it will be. It’s doubtful everyone will be wearing black kimonos!

For men, a formal black suit with a white shirt and black tie, black socks and shoes.  

For women, formal black dress/suit. Cover your arms with a jacket and wear opaque black stockings and plain black shoes.

Long hair should be neat and tied back.

For everyone, no jewellery except for wedding rings and women might wear a string of pearls. You can carry buddhist prayer beads (the funeral home provided these in case you didn’t have a set)

No shiny buckles, for best funeral etiquette, your funeral clothes should be clean, pressed and without holes.

Kids usually wear their school uniform, if they don’t have a uniform then dark, preferably black formal clothes.

As you might have to visit the family home or the family room in the funeral home you will need to remove your shoes, make sure your socks are hole free and you have shoes that are not too difficult to take on and off.

If you don’t have anything suitable to wear pop to your nearest department store such as Aeon or clothes stores like Shimamura. They have a section for funeral attire. Shimamura often have larger sizes that are a better fit for non-Japanese people. You should be able to pick up everything you need at a reasonable cost. 

If you are in Japan for the long haul, I recommend buying an outfit before it is needed. I have a classic cut black dress that I bought 15 years ago. It has been a life-saver as I can whip it out for any formal occasion and just change the jacket to fit the situation. I did have to go and buy black shoes this time though!

Japanese funerals etiquette – monetary gift

I didn’t mention this above because our family had asked not to be given the usual funeral money gift. 

Often family, close friends, and sometimes coworkers will give the bereaved family a certain amount of money, this is to go towards funeral expenses.

“Koden” (condolence money), typically ranges from 3,000 to 30,000 yen. The amount depending on your relationship with the deceased, with closer relatives giving a larger amount; for a friend or colleague, 5,000 – 10,000 yen is considered appropriate, while a close family member might give 10,000 – 30,000 yen.

​

You must use a “koden-bukuro”, a special black and white envelope, you can get them at convenience stores (make sure it is the black and white one, the ones with red are for weddings). 

There is a place inside the special envelope to write your name, there is usually an instruction paper with it.

Do NOT use new bills, you must put used bills in the funeral envelope, new bills are for weddings.

Do NOT put in amounts linked to 4 or 9 (¥4000 for example) as the numbers 4 and 9 as associated with death. 

​

To Wrap Up

I hope if you are here because you are currently going through this, my condolences. I hope this helps you get through the proceedings of this difficult time, a little bit easier. It can be quite scary and anxiety inducing to go through something like this when it’s not your culture and those around you are grieving. I think the most important thing is to have a good idea of what to expect and even if you are at a total loss, show good manners, bow often and follow the lead of those around you. 

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